Change Your Questions, Change Your Life

“What’s wrong with me?” Joe exclaimed. Joe was in a tailspin, overwhelmed with his present circumstances. He had recently been laid off from his job leaving him with just enough money to make his monthly rent and bill payments. Joe’s stress was palpable. I listened empathetically and astutely with my “coaching cap” on.

I could hear that what Joe needed was some prodding questions to help him shift his perspective. By shifting his perspective, Joe could begin to see where he needed to take action in order to move forward and deal effectively with his emotions, creating an even better situation for himself.

If Joe continued to ask himself the question, “What is wrong with me?” he would likely find himself facing few proactive options, obscuring his view of his talents, and what next action step might be most advantageous for him to take.

How does Joe’s story relate to you and me? Think of a time when you have faced a challenge or ventured into unknown territory. Now, recall the questions you asked yourself that helped you to chart your direction. The questions you asked yourself, or, more importantly, the questions you didn’t ask yourself, have a monumental impact in shaping your life’s direction.

It’s simple. Ask better questions. Get better results. You will go further, faster by focusing on the right questions. Asking the right questions helps you to transform your challenging life situations, unveil new opportunities, and reveal possibilities you may have otherwise missed.

And what might those questions be, you may ask yourself? According to Dr. Adams, founder of the Inquiry Institute, we get the best results by using “Learner Questions,” which lead to discovery, understanding, connection, and accountability versus “Judger Questions,” which more often lead to overwhelm, narrow-mindedness, regret, and blame.

I consider “Learner Questions” to be life inspiring, which add energy to your life and “Judger Questions” to be life draining, which suck the life force energy right out of you.

For example, the difference between asking, “Why is this happening to me?” (a life draining question) to “What can I learn from this situation?” or “How is this situation useful for my personal growth?” (a life inspiring question) will make all the difference in how you feel about your circumstance and, therefore, how you respond to it.

Where life-draining questions evoke a feeling of victimhood and a loss of power, life-inspiring questions presuppose that you are in a place of power, creativity, and possibility.

Take a look at this list of life draining questions and life inspiring questions.

Life Draining Questions	Life Inspiring Questions
What’s wrong?	What am I responsible for?
Who is to blame?	What works?
Why bother?	What do I want?
Why is that other person so clueless?	What can I learn from this person, place or situation?
How can this have happened to me?	What is possible?
Why me, I don’t deserve this?	How can this be my best opportunity ever?
How can I get back control?	How can I make this a win-win?
Where can I get revenge?	What assumptions am I making?

How can you apply life inspiring questions to your personal process? Where are you feeling stuck or frustrated?  Do you have a relationship that is getting you down?  Are you burning out at your job? Notice if you are being a judger or a learner. Make the switch from asking life draining questions to asking life inspiring questions. It is a simple strategy.  You can do it!

The goal is to integrate life inspiring questions into your daily life.

Switching from asking life draining questions and being in “judger” mode starts with observation.  When you catch yourself judging, which is perfectly normal, pause, take a deep breath, and shift into your “learner” mindset by asking life inspiring questions.  Pull from the list above, print it out, put it in your pocket, and place it on the fridge.

Joe discovered that asking himself “What do I want?” got him back on track and out of the dog-chasing-tail question loop of “What’s wrong with me?”  Joe then asked, “How can this be my best opportunity ever?”  Joe connected to his deeper passions, which were not being fulfilled at his old job, and then asked, “What are my next best action steps to achieve my new career goals?” Joe gave himself time to vent his frustration appropriately and found it helpful to write out his feelings, so he could move on with a clean slate.

“Way to go Joe!”

Got good questions?  What are some of your favorite empowering questions?  Write in and share them…

25 Most Inspiring Love Quotes

1. “We all know how important love is, yet how often is it really emoted or exhibited? What so many sick people in this world suffer from—loneliness, boredom and fear—can’t be cured with a pill.” – Albert Schweitzer, 1952 Nobel Peace Prize Winner

2. “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched — they must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller

3. “The more I think about it,the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others” – Vincent van Gogh

4. “Love the giver more than the gift.” – Brigham Young

5. “Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is sign on as its accomplice.” – Tom Watson

6. “There is no remedy for love but to love more.” – Henry David Thoreau

7. “The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.”  – Oscar Wilde

8. “All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.” – Leo Tolstoy

9. “Brief is life but love is long.” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

10. “We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.” – John Lennon

11. “Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” – Franklin P. Jones

12. “Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.” – Bible

13. “One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love.” – Sophocles

14. “Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love that makes the world go round” – Lewis Carroll

15. “You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.” – Henry Drummond

16. “Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” – Mother Teresa

17. “A simple I love you means more than money.” – Frank Sinatra

18. “Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise.” – Samuel Johnson

19. “A kiss makes the heart young again and wipes out the years.” – Rupert Brooke

20. “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu

21. “The first duty of love is to listen.” – Paul Tillich

22. “In real love you want the other person’s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.” – Margaret Smith

23. “Love cures people — both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.” – Karl A. Menninger

24. “Ultimately love is everything.” – Scott Peck

25. “Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love” – Mother Teresa

Kindness Quotes to Live Your Life By

1. “My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” – Dalai Lama

2. “Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate.” – Albert Schweitzer

3. “Deliberately seek opportunities for kindness, sympathy, and patience.” – Evelyn Underhill

4. “You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

5. “Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” – Scott Adams

6. “Kindness in ourselves is the honey that blunts the sting of unkindness in another.” – Grantland Rice

7. “The words of kindness are more healing to a drooping heart than balm or honey.” – Sarah Fielding

8. “Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.” – Samuel Johnson

9. “A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” – Saint Basil

10. “Kindness is loving people more than they deserve.” – Joseph Joubert

11. “Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.” – Theodore Isaac Rubin

12. “Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks, shall win my love.” – Washington Irving

13. “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” – Lao Tzu

14. “Kindness, I’ve discovered, is everything in life.” – Isaac Bashevis Singer

15. “Kindness is wisdom.” – Philip James Bailey

16. “Kindly words do not enter so deeply into men as a reputation for kindness.” – Mencius

17. “I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels.” – Pearl S. Buck

18. “Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.” – Annie Lennox

19. “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Plato