There is an incredible irony to our life cycle. We enter into the world innocent, helpless and utterly dependent for our survival. In the most optimistic of settings, we will receive the support we need developmentally as an infant, toddler, pre-schooler, school-age self, and adolescent self to become a mature adult. As an adult, we are expected to be independent, have the answers, know where to go and what to do in order to live productively and purposefully. If, however, our basic needs are not met at each essential stage of development, our sense of self erodes leading to a myriad of issues in our adult lives. Unmet childhood needs will mask themselves as relationship difficulty, financial issues, job challenges etc. Unresolved pain from abandonment, neglect and abuse lives on as grief and confusion. As a result of these feelings, it is easier to blame external situations and feel like a victim rather than take a look at our own selves as the source of our difficulties.
How often have you overheard, or initiated, a conversation with, “He/she did this to me?” The next time you are out and about, listen for a situation where the speaker is placing blame. It is quite common. As an adult, being a victim is one of the most debilitating and disempowering mindsets you can employ. It is time to learn how to heal your past pain and break free from feeling, acting and speaking like a victim so that you can create a life you love.
Are you ready to choose a new way of being?
Here are 7 Ways How to Break-Free of Being a Victim:
1. Spot your Victim – I once met a man who was a paparazzi photographer. I asked him how he found celebrities to photograph. He said it was easy. He would go to the airport and wait for LA arrivals at baggage claim. He then listed off the key apparel and attitudes that alerted him to the celebrity through their disguise. Since our victim selves are often in disguise, we first need to learn how to spot our victim selves. Often, it has become such a pervasive part of our personalities that we fail to even see it. The first step is to look for any patterns, habits or thinking that are your default victim behaviour.
2. Identify Victim Thoughts & Feelings – Typical thoughts and feelings include: Why is this happening to me? I don’t deserve this. He did this to me. They are at fault. I have no power. I can’t change. Feelings can involve rage, anger, sadness, fear and overwhelm leading to blame, justification and defensiveness. My friend got a parking ticket the other day. He chose to park his car in a timed parking spot, and he chose not to move within the allotted time. He got a ticket, and he was outraged. When we went to the core of the feeling, it was fear. He parked in this spot because he was unfamiliar with the city and was running late. He had an important meeting and he didn’t want to leave in the middle of it to repark. Ultimately, his rage was a masked defense at the situation he had let himself get into. He felt fearful of being late and helpless at not knowing his way around, and he had scheduled in time to “get lost. Once he could see how he could have done it differently and felt his fear the outrage melted.
3. Take Responsibility for your Speech – If you are addressing a difficulty in your life, identify from the “I” point of view instead of what another might have done to you. Own your role in creating the situation. Instead of blaming “her” for not returning your phone calls, realize that you may not have given the person a deadline. Or, recognize that you are choosing a relationship with a friend who doesn’t return phone calls. It’s not blame; it is simply identifying that the other person doesn’t return phone calls. You are not a victim to their etiquette because you see it and are choosing to engage with the other.
4. Recognize the Payoff for Being a Victim – Humans are creatures of habit. There is both an unconscious and conscious reason that explains the things we do. If you are blaming another, it is for a reason. The question is: What reason? If an individual fears making their way in the world rather than speaking up for what they deserve in a dysfunctional work situation, the person might blame his boss for being a jerk. The payoff for being angry at the “jerk boss” is the safety of not having to look for another job or fear of rejection. It is easier to blame your boyfriend for being an idiot, than to feel the pain of abandonment or loneliness the night he played poker instead of coming to visit you.
5. Have Compassion – Once you can identify your victim self through your speech, thoughts and feelings, it is time to invoke a state of compassion for yourself and others. As the old saying goes, If you knew better, you would do better. As humans, we do the best we can in the moment with the knowledge we have at that time. Compassion is the first step to reclaiming your power. Accept your self, feelings and thoughts with love.
6. Reclaim your Power –Take responsibility for ways you have created this situation. Reflect on your choices until you can identify one that you made to be in this situation. If you were in a car accident and the other person was at fault, they may financially have to pay for the situation, but you, a liscenced driver, choose to put yourself on the road every day. Accidents happen. By choosing to drive, you are taking the responsibility for all that happens in your driving experience.
7. Affirm New Attitudes – Introduce new attitudes and ways of thinking to yourself. I am a powerful creator. I have a choice in this. I am learning new ways to feel empowered. I may not understand my life situation however I am going to be proactive to learn how I have helped to create this situation. Or, I will leave earlier to allow myself to get a little time to get lost in new town and still make it to my meeting on time.
